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[Dec. 31st, 2009|01:59 am] |
| [ | ♥mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
Dear Dad,
Please, don't leave me alone anymore during the day, not after everyone being here during Christmas. Please don't give my depression and my other disorders time to tear me apart. It's pulling me apart, slowly cracking my defenses apart until I feel raw and vulnerable. I don't want to feel vulnerable. That's the last thing I need. Yet again, the last thing that I needed was for my schooling to fall through (it doesn't mind if it's a home program which I truly thought I could do), for those arguments (which still hurt me deeply every day, if you want to know) and being blamed for things I didn't do.
Just because I'm home everyday doesn't mean I have the mind to break into your bedroom - this thought carved into me by my (charming) almost step mother - no matter how much I detest all the locks that appeared on our doors when she arrived.
What do I need? I need someone to care in more than words. You say that you care about me, that you love me, that you would do anything for me... but when I need you most you aren't there, if you are there you turn around and leave, or you tell me to pull up my socks (that is most definitely not what I need to hear. Dearest daddy, you should know - it's not that easy).
You know that I'm not very good at voicing my feelings - not that I trust you at all with them, because they always get twisted around until there isn't much left at all of them except the feeling like I'm at fault for everything - and that I do much better in writing. You also (should) know that there are some things that I can't talk to you about... things I won't talk to you about. It's not just you - it's everyone.
"I'm going to write about losing my voice, the sting of broken glass against skin, and how I still can't even think your name. I'm going to write about medication, anxiety, confusion, hopelessness, and how it feels to be disconnected from reality. I'm not going to write about love, because it isn't real. It's a temporary insanity, a blinding light, a illusion. Love isn't beautiful; when it ends, all that's left is pain and dysfunction."
That was something that I found myself writing recently. It scared the shit out of me. Everything lately is about what I'm going to write about and what I'm not... what I'm going to think about and what I refuse to. Why?
I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like once Christmas is gone - E leaves, people go back to work and school - that things will get worse again. That I'll be alone everyday with myself (you know I'm my own worst enemy), and the masquerade will stop. The connection, the barely-there respect (a little is better than none) that our newest family member shows around her daughter (and only her own kids...), the happy times with my brother where he isn't angry at the whole world... all of it will stop.
Like I said, it's a lie, like a play. We're all unwilling actors.
Do me a favor - don't talk to me about this. Don't ask me why I feel like the state of my family is my own fault, don't ask me why I feel like a failure, don't ask me who makes me feel this way, or if L really says all these things (because she doesn't have to actually say things for me to speak up on them... go ahead, call me a liar). Don't ask me why I refuse to speak of certain things, or why my ribs hurt even as I'm writing this. Don't. Just don't.
Don't speak - for once, don't. Don't lecture me, don't ask me what's going on. Don't make me have to struggle with things buried so deep within my inner closet that they will never see the sun.
For once, show me that you actually care, and aren't just saying this because society expects you to do so. Please.
- Your Girl |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|03:53 am] |
Dear Newbury,
Not sure what you're doing back in my letters, you drunk asshole.
After tonight, all you said to me, I think I may need to have a talk with you. I didn't realize you were still so angry at me- especially with how you've treated us since we started dating, like it was fine, like it was funny, like it was a good thing.
"Fuck you," I scoffed after one comment about his lack of experience, shaking my head.
"Aw, now, you know that's not possible now. Guess I'll have to find a new bed slut."
I'm used to the verbal abuse you spew on everyone around you, but that was uncalled for. I wasn't anything special to you, you never tried particularly hard to keep me around- your anger is completely irrational and backwards.
"I heard Cathy just broke up with her boyfriend, I should call her up," you chuckled sardonically. "Yeahh! That'd do it. 'Hey, Colin, I'm fucking your sister!' Don't tell him, Sam, it'll just be funnier if he doesn't know."
Halloween came up, one way or another- probably by your design. "You're so lucky you didn't throw up, I would've had to kill you," you laughed. "You showed up at my house at two in the morning, remember? And I said, we're going to sleep. I was real sleepy."
We both know that's not quite how it happened, but whatever makes you feel better, less like the vulnerable one here...
Go on and sleep with his sister to get back at him for sleeping with me. It'll be hilarious, I'm sure, and you won't stop to wonder why it won't really make you feel better.
I'm so glad I never ended up dating you.
Woman. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|10:24 pm] |
Gaby.girl.22yrd old.college student.bored at home.tlk?
Greystarsfaded |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|12:07 am] |
Dear Gary,
You're really, really, extremely good looking. That's it.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Babe,
And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day
You say your leaving
You say your leaving
Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much
So you don't hurt so much
Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
That reminds me of you. I love you a lot.
Yours,
Kerri |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|01:01 pm] |
dear you,
i can't believe i'm falling in love with you so quickly. it's freaking me out, i haven felt like that since a zillion years. i kinda also wish it isn't just some crush. you're amazing and you're wonderful. u know my thoughts exactly, and u think the same way as i am. it's just unbelievable. now i hope you won't stop hanging out with my just because i'm older. i hope your maturity is better than that, and i trust that u do. gosh, i think about u every minute, and you just seem no nice. pls pls, do not end up as an asshole.
but for now, i'm thankful for u in my life.
love
me |
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| I Is Confused :/ |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|07:46 pm] |
| [ | ♥mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Dear Chris S,
I saw you at my place of work the other day...
The first time you were in, I had customers when you were passing by, so I couldn't go over to talk with you. I did see you smile at me and it made me get a bit fluttery...and wishing I'd had makeup on as I smiled back at you.
The second time you were in that day, you were with some girl, so I wasn't about to go over to talk.
I wish I understood the pull you have on me. When you're not around, I don't think about you, but when you're in town I find myself feeling like a damn schoolgirl, feeling fluttery inside and hoping for another occurrence of what happened five years ago...even though I'm with someone and have no desire to stray.
It's not an obsession; I've been obsessed before and this is totally different. And it definitely isn't love. But I don't feel that mere attraction is enough to explain the effect you've got on me...
And it isn't so much a matter of hating the fact that you've got that sort of pull on me...I just hate that you seem to know that you've got that sort of pull on me, and seem to love to toy with me by using the fact that you've got a pull on me to get me all wound up. Yet even though you're definitely a tease, I can't help myself...
Somehow I get the feeling that if we ever did have sex, you would no longer have the pull you do on me. (This thought came later that night of the night I saw you as I was indulging in some...interesting...thoughts about you.) Of course, I know the chances of THAT ever happening are pretty well nil (you're too much of a tease)...but I wonder if you get that feeling too, and that's why you just prefer to be a tease to me.
One thing is for certain, though...as much as I detest one night stands, if I were to have one (more)...I'd want it to be with you...partly to see if you can deliver on all the teasing you do, and mainly to get you the hell out of my system for good and break the pull you have on me.
But I know you'll never deliver; that would be too easy.
Ah well.
--your former neighbor |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|08:26 pm] |
| [ | ♥mood |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | ♥music |
| | Poster of A Girl - Metric | ] |
dear guy,
get the fuck out of my head.
-kelly |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|08:00 pm] |
Dear whoever created my brain,
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you times infinity.
Great, I will never get the job I want because oh, you just had to make me "chemically imbalanced". Great, I will never get to be the person I want to be and I am going to fail out of everything miserably. This is just ridiculous to me. I fucking despise you. Fucking fantastic.
All the hate in the world,
Me
Dear Dad,
After finding out the requirements for that job, I feel like I have failed you. Actually, I know I failed you.
So you know, I didn't want to do that job because it was once yours, but because I really want it. I still want it, but I won't get it because I am more than under qualified mentally. I'm sorry.
Me. |
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| anyone wanna talk? |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|02:08 pm] |
i'm billy. i'm in my late 20s and i'm a musician. i'm also finally finishing college. i wouldn't mind meeting some new people, so feel free to contact me!
do: be friendly, open-minded, fun(?), interesting, weird, female.
don't: be a jerk, closed-minded, snobby, male.
thanks.
sn: billyramoon |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|08:51 am] |
Dear you,
I promise one day I'll get used to your daughter. One day I'll be able to call myself a good mom. One day this will be all I want.
But right now, fuck. I'm only 21 and it's so hard sometimes. I just want to run away.
Lost,
Me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|05:23 am] |
Dear N,
Even in bed with him? Even? You'll never leave my mind, will you?
That was our first time, and I hated myself so much for thinking, well, now, in the future...
If I couldn't be your first, I certainly didn't want you to be mine. Now we're even, yeah? Now, the awkward questions would be gone. Now, it would just be natural and without any of the useless chatter we don't really deal with but that would've been a bit necessary.
I can't cheat on him. Certainly not now. "I trust you," he told me, "I know you wouldn't betray me." It hurt because I didn't agree. I betray him a bit every day. Every second. He must not know me very well, not yet.
I thought it would make me feel a bit closer to him, because everyone's always spoken of their attachment to their first. But I don't feel that way, not really. In fact, the opposite- the pit in my stomach named after you is a bit larger, a bit heavier. How much I'll hurt him in the end has only grown, now.
"Do you love me?", he asked, so quietly, so solemnly, like he was afraid of the answer. "I'm falling," I whispered, hiding my face in his neck, because I couldn't answer yes, not truthfully. I can't lie to him. I am falling in love with him, I suppose, but it's so different from what I feel for you. If he's a flame, you're a forest fire, burning out of control, destroying me. He's a lake- comforting, relaxing, definitely good; you're the fucking ocean. I've always been an ocean girl.
It's not fair.
S. |
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| Contemplative. |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|02:38 am] |
Dear Anyone,
I'm not the person I thought I'd be. When I was younger, I always assumed I'd graduate first. I wanted to be prom queen. I wanted to be in command of my life and have a boyfriend other girls were envious of. I wanted to be a virgin til marriage and have kids by 22. I never thought I'd be the person whose parents could ever say they hated me. I wanted to be the chosen one. I wanted to be someones favorite. Anyone.
I'm none of those things. I did slightly above average in high school. I wasn't anywhere near prom queen. Probably half the people I went to school with and have befriended on Facebook couldn't tell you where they knew me from. I look at my friends and their success thus far--most of them just a semester from Bachelor's degrees...and wonder when time got away from me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm an intelligent girl. Maybe you can tell just by reading this letter. Though most of high school, I thought I'd be a doctor. A pediatric oncologist. That changed...chemistry kicked my ass. I didn't want to be that girl, either. I wanted to have straight A's and excel at everything. Someone should have told me life doesn't turn out the way you want it to.
I'm so jealous of all of those girls who are painfully beautiful, with their gorgeous bodies and wonderful significant others and their families who love them. The ones who just got finished posting the pictures of their photos of winter break. Home for the holiday from UF, FSU, UCF, and USF to boring ol' St. Pete. Me, I never left. Haven't even got a running start. I always thought I'd be one of them. Who skis in Aspen with her family, or rides horses on weekends. Whose parents bought me a brand new Audi on her 16th birthday.
But I'm just me.
I'd never thought I'd be the one who they said, You know who's gay now? Heather Nguyen. (And the other person says, I know the name, I think.) It boggles my mind that I've been in a relationship with another girl for coming up on a year. A fucking year. I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman. When I imagine myself getting married, I see a man. I see three kids and an SUV. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing?
I never thought I'd be the person who went home with someone because I was too naïve to know any better. I can't believe I was. I never thought I'd be the one leaving someones house crying because of the advantage they took. Because I wasn't strong enough to say no. I can't believe I let it go because "oh, they were drunk, they didn't mean it", because God knows how many others girls have done the same. I can't believe I let it happen again.
I can't believe that in the past two years since that happened, my number has skyrocketed from one, to thirteen. I can't believe I've slept with more than one person a a time. I can't believe I've cheated. I can't believe that I can't bring myself to feel BAD.
I'm the girl they say, Have you seen Heather Nguyen? She gained a lot of weight. Because in the past year, I've gained 40 fucking pounds. What. The. Fuck.
In 2010, I'm going to write a letter like this. Except I'm going to say, I can't believe I turned it all around.
Still loving myself unconditionally, even though it gets rough-----
Me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|12:33 pm] |
Dear you,
I wish you weren't 2 hours away. I would love to get a New Years kiss from you more than anything.
However, once the semester starts up, we won't even be 2 minutes away from each other! I'm so excited. Just stay interested, mkay? I don't see myself losing interest anytime soon.
Looove,
Me |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|10:28 pm] |
Dear You,
You make me sick. I really, really want to punch you in the face. You know, knock your teeth out early, before they fall out on their own. (along with your hair) But it's frustrating, because I can't voice this directly to you because it would seem so mean and uncalled for. But you really make me sick. What's worse, you yet again have some poor, unsuspecting victims fooled. I wish my Brother was able to sue you for slander here, because it really does qualify. Even though it sounds extremely egocentric of me, I feel like you wouldn't be tainting his name if I weren't around.
I swear in the past few seasons of South Park, Cartman's character has been a direct representation of you. And, even though I know this sort of thing is difficult for people with your particular psychological problems to understand, that wasn't a compliment.
Ugh, why won't you go away? It doesn't matter how many of your journals I remove from my friends list, you always come back with another one. Why??? For the love of God explain this to me. Get this through your head...I LOVE BUNNIES, I HATE SNAKES. Is that clear enough?
Absolutely No Love, Just Pity,
Aimee |
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| Dear Heroic Viking |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|09:58 pm] |
Your still out of sight
I feel sick to my stomach..What the hell is going on? I'm losing my fucking mind here
My sister got involved and now shes telling me to get my mother involved...My mom cant be involved...I don't want her to be involved >_< Cuz she would probe around she's going to find something shes not gunna like at all...
I need to know if your safe I need to know that if you are hurt and that your comfortable and what not >_< Please come back to me...Please.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|05:59 pm] |
| [ | ♥mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Dear 2009:
I want to send out a big fuck you to you. You really is a sucky year.
Too many celebrities died this year.
Gosh! I can't wait till you are history.
No love:
Me.
Dear 2010:
Hurry up already.
Anxious:
Me |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|06:47 pm] |
Dear You,
You were in my dream last night. I'm not sure what evil entity decided to put you there, but there wasn't much I could do about it.
Just seeing your face reminded me of how awful that year was. I can't believe I wasted an entire year babysitting a 24 year old. You couldn't even do your own god damn laundry.
We were together for a year, yet you wouldn't touch me for seven months. We had more sex before we became exclusive. I'm not sure if you have commitment issues or other problems, but I do know that it was hard and it made me feel ugly.
I know that our "demise" was partially my fault. We never talked and I sure as hell wasn't going to try and communicate with you. I was eighteen and just wanted someone to tell me they loved me. I didn't care who it was or if they even meant it. I was at my lowest and you were there. I couldn't resist the chance to feel wanted.
Seeing you in my dream made waking up next to my husband even more enjoyable than it usually is. It was only when I stopped, took a deep breath, and planned out what I wanted from both life and love in my head that I found the person who makes me the happiest woman in the universe. The person who calls me "Goomba" and makes me laugh. Who reads with me and helps me expand my artistic abilities because I am able to find inspiration every time he smiles at me. Who went to college to make a life for himself. Who loves to learn but also knows how to tell a good joke. The Mario to my Luigi (we've been playing Super Mario Bros. Wii a lot...).
So I'd like to thank you. Without all of the mistakes I made during that year, I would not be where I am today. I hope you find happiness.
Sincerely,
Kristin Marie |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|03:27 pm] |
Dear GRE Verbal Section,
You will ruin me.
Sincerely,
Chenda |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|09:48 am] |
Dear You,
I don't like your girlfriend because she has taken you away from me. I miss spending time with you, and your girl's not even fun anymore since she's been with you, she's a stalker and shes super posessive. I see the way she looks at me, and you when we talk. the only way I could get your attention is to fuck up and accidently kiss you? Wow...it was a mistake! you turned, I didn't actually kiss you. now you think that i;m trying to hook up with you or something.
Well...if you tried to hook up with me, I wouldn't stop you. I woudn't cared if you cheated in your girlfriend, It's like that taylor swift song "you belong with me".
Love,
Me |
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